There’s something in my life that I wish to change, and that change will never happen. That is because that “something” is actually a “someone”. I already feel bad for wanting to change the person. I hate wanting to change a person. That would really hurt if the person knew.

I hate it when someone tries his best but still fails. Sometimes his best falls way too short, doesn’t make the cut, and then all you could do is feel sorry for him. It also hurts when someone asks me if I could lower my standards.

Dear someone,

I just think it’s unfair if you wouldn’t try to do the same for me.

I can’t stand it when someone doesn’t take all the words I say seriously.

Sometimes I wish I could find a better someone, but I don’t think it’s possible now that I’m head over heels in love.

It hurts to say this, but sometimes I feel ashamed of him. I don’t want to feel this way because he is a great guy. It’s just that…

He is sweet to me, but is also sweet to other people. Now what difference does that make? How does that make me look and feel special to him?

I’m ashamed because I can’t really brag about the things he does to me. Because he also probably does those things to everyone else.

Let’s not make it sound like I’m on the same level of feeling like shit as most people. When I say I feel like shit, I mean literal shit. Poop. Dung. Human waste. Brown submarine. Everybody notices me (at least I believe they do). Everybody sees me, and when they do, they try to avoid me because I am disgusting and nobody would want to get involved with a dirty piece of shit like me. The only thing I appreciate about being like a piece of shit is that everyone cannot ignore me, not even when they want to. Because I am THE shit. Centre of attention anytime, anywhere. Infamous.

Now how can a piece of shit like me transform into glitter? I wish I knew.

2.) This pre-owned Cath Kidston bag (E-bay)

3.) Ray Ban Comics Wayfarer sunglasses (still!)

4.) Faux fur cheetah coat (Forever21)

5.) Queen Helene Jojoba Hot Oil – I read lots of good reviews about it. Perhaps it could help me with my unruly hair!

OR

Phyto PHYTOKARITE Nourishing Mask for Ultra Dry Hair. This one seems good, too!

6.) Polkadot Head bands (Yesstyle)

Okay… time to decide which ones I should buy first :s I need my money right now T_T

~Doc Martens leopard boots!

~Fujifilm Instax Mini 25s

~Ray-ban Comics Wayfarers

~The Languages of East and Southeast Asia: An Introduction by Cliff Goddard

~Reference Grammar of Korean: A Complete Guide to the Grammar and History of the Korean Language by Samuel Martin

~This Cath Kidston wallet ^

~Floral espadrilles/oxfords/flats

~Portrait Photography: Secrets of Posing & Lighting by Mark Cleghorn

~Neck warmer/infinity scarf with hood

~Monster slippers!

~Go Younha’s Lost in Love album. With poster!

~Cateye sunglasses

~Hot Potato’s The Journey of Cultivating a Potato Field album

*****

LOVE LOVE LOVE

Nah, I love the diet. Although it’s not working way to much for me, I feel less heavier (lol) and that is just enough for me. I don’t know, I don’t wanna measure how much weight I lost or whatever because I don’t want to keep the number in my mind. It affects me mentally. If I do know how much I lost, in the future I will subconsciously try to eat back what I lost. And that, my friends, will suck so much that I will have to commit suicide.

Anyway, so yesterday was the worst part. I just woke up feeling like starving myself to death. I didn’t want to eat at all. That’s so scary. I mean, I don’t want to die. I’m not even emo. At the end of the day, all I ate was an apple (for breakfast) and a piece of steamed bun (siopao). That’s why when I woke up today, I was so hungry that I felt like eating my pillow. I almost ran out of fruits, too, so I ate a partially unripe apple that I saw inside the fridge. That was for breakfast. For lunch (which was around 3pm) THANKFULLY I felt like eating a full meal- liver and cauliflower. Mom cooked it. Then before 7pm, I was able to eat 2 oatmeal cookies and milk. Of course, if I’d be too hard on myself it will result to a Yoyo diet.

So yeah. My shipments haven’t arrived yet. My father got his Amazon Kindle today and I’m full of envy, obviously. Um, if I finally get a job I’d buy one of that. Here’s where I spent my money on:

1. Yellow Japanese tote bag
2. Go Younha autographed DVD + folded poster
3. Billabong wallet
4. Follower Owl Moleskine notebook (which hasn’t been shipped yet, my goodness =/)
5. Wreck This Journal

Darn it. I haven’t received any of these yet. And I’m starting to get worried about the Moleskine notebook. I got it from Etsy. Goshdarn seller hasn’t shipped it yet. Boo, that whore.

So today all I did was watch a South Korean talk show, download albums of TRAX and Shinee, watch Mean Girls for the nth time, and downloaded 500 Days of Summer so I could re-watch it over and over again. Hmm, I’m having a great time at home, but I’d love it more if I could go out and meet friends. I’m a new immigrant in Canada, so… I’m in a kinda awkward position.

That reminds me to charge my batteries for tomorrow’s trip to Steveston fishing village. Well, goodnight.

Total= $65 Darn I saved up to $80 from Paypal. Dammit, my love for domains got me.

There are also tons of things that I’m itching to have:

1. Skittle dress
2. Lego digital camera
3. Underwater camera
4. Fujifilm instax mini
5. Cotton candy mints
6. Cookie monster Fleece blanket with sleeves
7. Sun/moon Jars
8. Camera LED keychain (I saw this on Virgin once!! And then saw it @ PK)
9. Bebe Ruched Crop Leather Jacket
10. A college degree (seriously!)

I need some sleep, too.

Also, I just want to vent out my loneliness here. I’m really sad. No, not sad. I’m angry, jealous and lonely. I don’t trust anybody right now except for my family. I don’t like anyone right now except for my family. I have no friends anywhere. I have no place to go to. I can’t wait to make new friends, to have a different life. An actual life that is fun. I want friends who will never get tired of me. Friends who like me for who I am. Friends who don’t lie to me. Friends who don’t steal whatever is mine.

Ah I don’t know.

Clothing wishlist:
1. Metallic jeans/leggings (Lulz the BeBe pencil jeans had bad reviews, tho…)
2. Boyfriend sweatshirt
3. Gray cardigan
4. Brown long sleeved top
5. Bebe Ruched Crop Leather Jacket

Also, I still can’t dye my hair since I have to show myself at the airport. My hair colour should be similar with the one on my picture. Sucks. My mom bought herbal hair dye this morning. It’s hazelnut brown. I want to dye my hair too, but I could die my hair in a better color when I arrive in Canada, so I’ll just wait. I’m thinking of dyeing my hair either light brown, Hayley orange (LEWLZ), or Victoria Twilight red (LEWLZ again). Whatever, I have plenty of time to think.

Anyway, look at this girl. She’s from the Twilight series. Real name’s Rachelle Lefevre. Heard she got replaced by some other chick. To be honest, I didn’t really know til I googled it, pssh. Haha.

I googled her hair. I actually like her hair color here, BUT this is not the exact color that I’m looking for

That! That type of red. I just love it. But you know, I had my hair straightened so I don’t really know if I can dye my hair without ruining it. I’ve been reading some websites. They don’t help me at all. =/ Maybe I should ask a hairdresser. The problem is that I don’t know any hairdresser. LMAO.

Meh, anyway. Where are my parents?!? I have to find my iPod NOW. -_-

Right now I have nothing else better to do than surf the web, read a book, listen to upbeat Korean music (or maybe smooth jazz Younha songs)… or snack on whatever I see inside the fridge. It’s hella boring. I want to make serious money and buy gadgets and watch movies. Or maybe go to school. I want my ass in Canada right now. Right fucking now before my life is over. I want to put an end to this seemingly endless traveling. I like traveling, but I don’t want to do it forever and mess my life up

I’m ending this stupid rant now because I know I will write another post again later.